How I Became A Clown

How I Became A Clown
by John Forster & Tom Chapin
© 2005 Limousine Music Co. & The Last Music Co. (ASCAP)

First grade wasn’t too exciting.
I was seeking something new to do.
So I ran away and joined the circus
When the circus train came through.

But when I went to meet the old ringmaster
I tripped on my shoelace and - splat! - fell down.
The old man said, “Enough! That’s very funny stuff!”
And that’s how I became a clown.
I put on baggy pants and shoes that were too big,
A red nose and a very orange wig.
And every night we piled into the clown car,
Ready to begin the --
“Ladies and gentlemen, here come the Clowns,
Spreading silliness across all three rings,
Honking and bonking and doing clowny things!”

Then Pushnikov, the smallest of the Russian tumblers,
He fell off his family and broke his crown.
The old man said, “Hey Kid, climb up that pyramid!”
And that’s how I became an acrobatic clown.

I put on Russian tights, and slippers and a sash,
A headband and a pencil-thin mustache.
And I clambored up a stack of strong men,
Ready to begin the --
“And now in the center ring.
The Great Pushnikov will juggle bowling balls,
A chainsaw and a sled,
Balanced high atop his brothers on his head!”

One day the sword-swallower got indigestion
Found himself unable to keep it down.
The boss was up a tree, until he looked at me,
And that’s how I became a sword-swallowing,
Acrobatic clown.

I wiped the broad sword clean,
And took a last deep breath,
Sure that I was facing certain death.
Closed my eyes and opened up my mouth
Unready to begin the --
“And now The Great Gulpini
Will hold you in his thrall
As he swallows King Arthur’s sword,
Excalibur, as long as he is tall!”

Then the Liontamer and the Bearded Lady
Ran off and got married in Allentown,
They shoved me out on stage,
They opened up the cage
And that’s how I became a bearded, liontaming,
Sword-swallowing, acrobatic clown.

They lit the fiery hoops. I cracked my nine-foot whip.
Picked up a chair and told them, “Let ’er rip!”
There were lions, tigers, bounding all around me,
Ready to begin the --
“Okay, circus goers.
Here come the big cats with their mighty claws!
Watch the liontamer place his head
Inside their jaws!”

And then one night the double-dealing ticket taker
Took the ticket money and then skipped town.
The boss said,
“This is bad! Who here knows how to add?”
And that’s how I became a bookkeeping, bearded,
Lliontaming, sword-swallowing, acrobatic clown.

Then one day the elephant cleaner-upper
Left show biz forever, laid his shovel down.
The old man caught my eye. I said, “Don’t even try!”
That very night the circus train
Chugged back into my town.

So I left the big top and the ring
And bid my circus friends a fond farewell.
That is why I have so much to share
With you today in show-and-tell.

Teacher: Tommy, what did you do on your vacation?
I was a bookkeeping, bearded, liontaming,
Sword-swallowing, acrobatic clown.

This song appears on Tom Chapin's Some Assembly Required CD.

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