Calling All Dummies

Calling All Dummies
by John Forster & Tom Chapin
© 2010 Limousine Music Co. & The Last Music Co. (ASCAP)

It changed the life I led,
Turned around my head.
I haven't been the same
Since the day I read

Investing Online for Dummies. Which led to
Buying On Margin for Dummies. That led to
Home Equity Loans for Dummies.
And though I'm on a losing spree
It's gonna be all right, you'll see
'Cause I just picked up
Bankruptcy for Dummies.

I gave my daughter Dating for Dummies. Then she bought
Planning Your Own Wedding for Dummies. Then he bought
Anger Management for Dummies.
Has it been painful? Yes, of course.
At least they've got this great resource:
Handling Your Own Divorce for Dummies.

Where everything you need to know
Is laid out neatly in a row
To give your life an easy overhaul.
When every illustrated tome cries
“Pick me up and take me home!”
It's the siren call of the Yellow Wall.
Calling all Dummies.

I gave my wife Trompe L'Oeil for Dummies. She bought me
Plastering Your Walls for Dummies. Then
Wood Rot and Termite Repair for Dummies.
And now I'm down to crumbling brick.
My back is out, my heart is sick.
So I bought
Selling Your House Quick for Dummies.

I hadn't realized ancient Greek
Was just the thing I yearned to speak
Until I saw it on my Visa bill.
And every time I buy a book
They simply bait another hook
With the pointless thrill of a useless skill.
Calling all Dummies.

Giving Up Smoking For Dummies.
Led me to Self-Realization For Dummies.
Led me to
Finding Inner Peace For Dummies.
But I'll never find my inner peace
Until the day that they release
Giving Up For Dummies For Dummies.

This song appears on Tom Chapin's Broadsides CD.

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